ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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