My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
