Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
