Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
