If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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