just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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