tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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