i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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