clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
