he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Rumble strips road head = magical
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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