I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
