When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
