my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
