I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
