I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So vagazzling was a success
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
