jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
