I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize