I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Randomize
