i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
