Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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