apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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