What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
