Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can I color on your dick again?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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