U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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