just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
