Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
