My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
