I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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