I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
