Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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