So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
