I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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