It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Randomize
