My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
