i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
