Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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