I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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