I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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