your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
