my phone needs a breathalizer
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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