oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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