The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
