oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
