Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
