Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
