3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
