I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
