we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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