Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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