Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
