so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
