Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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