dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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