so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
