hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
