One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
