So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
