my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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