Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
