Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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