Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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