Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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